CINE-CLICHES

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed- pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie- cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Guns, no matter how powerful, or no matter where aimed, will do nothing more than char flesh, blow away feathers, or rearrange beaks.

Any given amount of explosives will propel a body miles away, but still in one piece, charred and extremely peeved.

If two people are sleeping in the same bed, they will never arise at the same time. Instead, we will see:

(A) Person A getting up and leaving while Person B is still asleep.

(B) Person B waking up to see Person A finishing getting dressed (if Person A is male, he is guaranteed to be putting on a tie).

ADAM FROMM, GLEN FALLS, N.Y.

In any prison movie, when the main character first arrives in prison, he will have a meeting at which the warden reads the prisoner's file aloud to him, including his name, his background and the reason he has been sent to prison, in case the prisoner himself has forgotten any of these details. (See "Escape From Alcatraz," "Escape From New York," "No Escape.")

Whenever one character recites a quote from memory to another, the second person already knows it, and tells him or her the origin. If it is from the Bible, the second person always knows which chapter and verse.

When characters are handed a cup of coffee at a coffee shop, the cup is not treated as if it is full and scalding hot. Characters take long, thoughtful sips from the cup without noticing the mouthful of seared flesh, which would necessarily ensue.

Rule I: Characters are able to decipher entire sentences by listening to a few dit-dit-dahs on the telegraph, or watching a few flashings of light. In "The Hunt for Red October," Sam Neill looks at the signal lamp of an approaching warship, and in a few seconds makes out "Red October, Red October. Halt and stay where you are. Do not attempt to submerge or you will be fired upon." For an accurate example how long it takes to communicate Morse code, see the brig scene in "Star Trek V."

Rule II: Expert Morse operators verbally repeat the message they are sending, for the audience's benefit.

Movie budgets make it impossible for any film to contain unnecessary characters. Therefore, "any apparently unnecessary or extraneous major character is undoubtedly the villain" ("Rising Sun," 1993); or, "any neighbors who seem unnecessary yet are given dialogue will be more than merely neighbors" ("The Pacifier," 2005).

To show off the city in which the movie is set, the characters will drive past every recognizable landmark regardless of whether it would actually be along their route.

In any movie scene involving candles, there will be hundreds or even thousands of them, even if the characters live in poverty. We are left to wonder how one person, or even everyone in the cast, could light them all before the scene began. See "Because of Winn-Dixie."

Telltale line that finally makes obvious to everyone (except the hero) that the heros trusted friend or supervisor has gone over to the bad guys.

Hundreds of people can be killed in a movie trailer, but any endangered dog or cat must be shown alive and unharmed by the end of the trailer. This is also true of the full film. The current example is "Meet the Fockers," where the dog emerges unharmed from the toilet, but my favorite is the opening of "Armageddon," where New York City is devastated, but the dog survives uninjured.

In any recent movie involving sword fighting, sound editors make sure that every motion of a blade is accompanied by the familiar steel-on-steel ringing sound, whether it touches other metal or not -- when being drawn from its non-metal scabbard, when piercing human flesh, sometimes even just slicing through the air. This is most egregiously obvious in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, but see also "The Last Samurai," "Gladiator," etc.

In any movie set in the future, characters will have names that will sound nothing like today's names and contain lots of Zs and Ks.

Movie characters travel only first class. They are never seated near crying babies. All flights are full, but they are always able to walk right on and take their seat without waiting behind someone cramming a suitcase into an overhead rack. Although other passengers on the flight may recline their seats, the main characters can only be seated in the full upright position, because if they reclined the result would be an unattractive camera angle up their nostrils.

Any character in a murder mystery who is excessively helpful to the main character invariably turns out to be the killer (if they're not dead by the second reel). Named for Alda because he's done it at least twice.

Movie illness in which the only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches. (This disease claimed many screen victims, often including Greta Garbo.)

The remarkable ability of a stationary surveillance camera or news camera operated by a lone cameraman to film or video an incident from several different angles and distances all at once. When played back, the resulting film or videotape exactly duplicates the original point- of-view of the audience, right down to the sequence of the montage. See "Enemy of the State," etc.

Anyone who walks through a parking garage will be physically assaulted.

Modern movie angels mostly seem to visit earth in order to smoke cigarettes, eat pizza, and show what regular Joes they are. Although famine, war, disease and higher prices torment the globe, they solve such problems as a guy who has stopped dating because he's lost his faith in women.

Any actor can start any car by pulling any two wires from under the dash and touching them together to make them spark. This not only starts the car but it also defeats the steering column's locking mechanism.

Many serial killers could also find employment as the authors of double-acrostics and conundrums. In searching for such killers, hero detectives invariably find an abandoned apartment with newspaper clippings and photos on the wall showing the killer's a) victims b) pursuer c) next victim and d) a message to his pursuers. See "In the Line Of Fire," "Seven."

When a fight in a bar breaks out, nearly everyone in the place begins fighting, spontaneously and without cause--even with people they've have been sitting next to for some time

An actor required to deliver key dialogue while driving a car is allowed to take his or her eyes off the road and maintain steady eye contact with the front-seat passenger for up to five seconds without being subject to real-life consequences like rear- ending a cement mixer or taking out pedestrians.

Any bicycle passing through the frame will be accompanied by the ring of a bike bell on the sound track.

If a character dies in a car crash, he will do so in a way that causes the horn to blare continuously.

All establishing shots of small town Main Streets are inevitably accompanied by the sound of a bell ringing as a customer opens a door.

In every movie in which the hero or heroine is fleeing from automatic weapons fire, the bullets will strike either in front or behind or, in a more aesthetically pleasing pattern, in parallel rows on either side.

A character who has mysteriously survived being shot at point-blank range always immediately unbuttons his shirt to reveal his bulletproof vest, usually only to himself.

The ever-present white light whose source is always just beyond the horizon line where no practical light source would be. This phenomenon allows dramatic entrances to secluded locales, e.g., the appearance of the Ring Wraiths on the road in "The Fellowship of the Ring" and the appearance of the Nigerian soldiers in the jungle in "Tears of the Sun."

A major star in a film about army recruits going through basic training will never have their head shaved completely. Their hair will merely be short (e.g., Bill Murray and Harold Ramis in "Stripes," Richard Gere in "An Officer and a Gentleman.") Likewise, a star entering prison will only have a tasteful trim {Robert Redford in "Brubaker."

No one ever goes into a movie toilet to perform a natural function. Instead they use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, have sex, smoke, get killed, exchange money, or sneak out through the bathroom window.

In real life, when someone hangs up the phone on you, you hear a click and then silence (about 30 seconds of dead air before an obnoxious reorder tone). In the movies, when someone hangs up at the other end, you get a new dial tone immediately.

All wet dogs shake themselves dry only while standing next to well- dressed movie characters.

Used in fantasy and medieval movies to portray bondage and torment, the Slave Wheel is simply a big wheel sticking out of the ground that prisoners are forced to push around and around. They never show what it actually does.

Nazi officers always speak English when talking to each other, even though Nazi sergeants can be heard in the background barking orders in German.

If a character sees anything looking like blood, he must put his finger in it and hold it up before realizing that it is blood. Corollary: If the substance is not blood, the character must smell it or taste it before realizing what it is

When characters order steaks, they always ask for "rare," which people hardly ever order in restaurants, instead of "medium rare" or "medium," which is what most people order. This is because the kind of character who orders a steak in a movie would sound like a wimp asking for "medium."

Anyone holding a vase or other glass object will drop that object upon hearing bad news. Usually the object will fall and shatter in slow motion, typically from multiple angles.

Every movie set in San Francisco involves at least one car flying through the air on its way downhill. Any car chase will be downhill, even though the most likely places from which someone would flee are all downtown, at the bottom of all of the hills.

When a character drives somewhere in an overcrowded, gridlocked city such as L.A. or New York, there is always a Convenient Parking Space directly in front of his destination

All movie guns will need to be "cocked" before firing, and the sound made is always the "ca-chuck" sound made by a pump shotgun. Bad guys will never cock their guns until the last instant before firing at the good guys, and the ca-chuck sound will always alert the good guys in time for them to duck. In some movies, such as "Runaway," this rule even applies to revolvers.

When there is a foot chase in traffic, the hero will inevitably jump up on top of a car that is stuck in traffic, and leap from car to car, even though it would be faster and safer to stay on the ground.

When there is one passenger in the back seat of a car, he always sits right in the middle, to be more easily seen by the camera.

To quickly establish the hero (or villain) as a true (but erratic) genius, he will play a game of chess early the movie, and quickly trash his opponent with a surprise mate-in-one. See Jeff Goldblum in "Independence Day."

In any Asian city, or any city with a Chinatown, all chase scenes happen to occur on Chinese New Year, and lead directly through a parade

When movie heroes get blown out of windows, across streets, into trees, etc. they can still hear just fine. In real life, instead of dialog like "I'll be back," explosion survivors would be saying, "What? What? Speak up! I can't hear you!"

Whenever the bad guy in a movie is holding a "dead man" switch that will set off a bomb if let go, the good guy will wrestle him for it, and together they will perform spectacular fights, stunts, and other gymnastics, falling down stairs and rolling out of the way of gunfire. During all this time, the switch is never released

No matter what kind of cover the hero hides behind, it will stop enemy bullets. In "Beverly Hills Cop 3," Eddie Murphy uses a park bench for cover, and the bad guys to shoot all the slats and none of the gaps.

Any time the hero hands somebody a bag or box containing the Maguffin, if the recipient fails to look inside the bag/box, the hero has pulled the old switcheroo and handed the other guy a bag/box full of lead weights/old newspapers/worthless junk, etc. (See "The Score.")

Explosions always enhance a star's looks by placing just the right touch of dirt across the cheekbones--never on the end of the nose.

When a character is rescued from a staircase during a disaster movie or thriller, the staircase always collapses the moment the rescue is completed.

In any scene in a thriller involving a thunderstorm, when any character is looking for a pet or friend, there will be a deafening clap of thunder and a flash of lightning illuminating a corpse, or the murderer. If the character is searching for something, the lightning will illuminate the fact that the something is dramatically missing.

In almost all movies involving the operation of computers, the user operates the machine by incongruent and frenetic banging on the keyboard, ignoring the mouse and system graphic interface elements. This results in instantaneous, nanosecond access and downloading of data. (See "Jurassic Park," "Disclosure.")

Whenever a hit man has to kill someone in a guarded hospital room, he will duck into a linen closet, emerge wearing a lab coat and carrying a clip board, and walk around the hospital as if invisible. None of the other doctors or nurses will notice that this guy has never worked there before.

Villains being chased at the end of a movie inevitably disregard all common sense and begin climbing up something - a staircase, a church tower, a mountain - thereby trapping themselves at the top.

Though unable to stretch his hand far enough even to meet the fingertips of the poor sap perilously close to falling to his death, when the support finally gives way and the hand slips even farther out of reach, the hero is suddenly able to lunge 2 feet and grab a wrist.

Throughout movie history, no clean cloth has ever been the right size to be used as a bandage without first being torn in two.

"The speed of an expanding fireball is in direct relation to the running speed of the slowest major star moving away from the fireball. If FS=Fireball Speed, and RS=Running Star, therefore (FS=(RSx.9)). Since fireballs have actually been slowing down recently to accommodate slower stars, even "Grumpiest Old Men" may be able to work in a fireball.

If the auto-destruction feature is activated at a secret base or spaceship, the countdown is always announced by a female voice. See "Aliens,""Sphere," James Bond movies, etc

Every time anyone uses a microphone in a movie, it feeds back.

Any character falling to his/her death must scream on the way down, especially if he/she is a villain. If no scream is heard, chances are the character survives the fall.

A variation on the Fallacy of the Talking Killer. Any ferocious animal, monster, etc., upon cornering its prey, will slow down to a menacing creep and begin to snarl, growl or otherwise attempt to terrify. Unfortunately for the beast, this always gives his quarry time to escape.

In every movie wherein a radar scope is shown, when the sweep passes over the target of interest, the radar beeps. Radar screens don't beep. Not now, not ever.

When an innocent person discovers a dead body, they invariably pick up the murder weapon in order to leave their fingerprints.

Characters in movies never drink water when taking aspirin. They just throw a handful into their mouths and grind away.

Whenever a crusading movie character of extreme moral virtue uncovers a plot by an evil corporation to endanger public health for the sake of greed, the security department of this corporation will always have its own team of staff assassins who will use a black sedan to chase the hero in an assassination attempt.

He doesn't know anything, but they think he does. He'll probably never know anything, but they abduct and interrogate him at gunpoint, so they can find out what he knows. He somehow escapes, and motivated by his terrifying experience, he eventually finds out not only what they thought he knew, but everything else.

All Asian people know karate. All Latin people dance salsa. Any Russian character is related to some ex-KGB agent now working for the new Russian Mafia.

The person in every crowd at a disaster scene who fully extends an arm to point at the obvious thing that everyone is already looking at or running from. Example: The woman near the end of "Armageddon" who points at the fireball in the sky that everyone on the whole planet is already watching.

No airplane that disappears out of sight over a hill, treetops or buildings ever lands safely; instead, a fireball explodes behind the foreground object.

In a fit of anger or frustration, main character dramatically sweeps everything off desk. We never see anyone replace items, but surface is in perfect order in later scenes. Only exception: If one item was a framed photo of a dead lover or family member, the glass will be cracked, giving photo deeper meaning.

All movie scientists who are neither the hero nor working for the bad guy are always doctors, and are, without fail, in the story only to present a crucial bit of information or explain some scientific concept to the hero, following which they are killed while doing further research on the problem.

A child's backpack invariably contains everything needed to survive most disasters, and is also a help in traveling back in time. See "A Kid in King Arthur's Court" and "Far From Home: Adventures of Yellow Dog."

Movies put dogs in stories and then don't let them do what a real dog would do. See "Fatal Attraction," where Michael Douglas's family owns a dog that is home during the noisy and gruesome bathtub scene but never comes sniffing around to investigate.

Despite the fact that they can be reloaded, the value of any gun in a movie decreases steadily with each of the shots that it fires. By the time the gun is empty, it has become worthless, invariably causing its owner to either (1) throw it aside or (2) chuck it at the enemy.

Any character who says, "I can't tell you over the phone..." doesn't have long to live, and will die at the rendezvous: (a) without uttering a word, (b) mumbling a red herring, or (c) giving an obtuse clue (e.g., "Beware of the dwarf" in "Foul Play").

Rope and plank bridges are never shown in a film unless they are going to fail. Ropes will be cut, burned, or frayed. In the case of planks, someone's foot will fall through the rotten wood.

Almost every suspension bridge in the history of the movies has failed while the heroes were attempting to cross it. Especially true when dinosaurs, raging rapids or lava flows are involved.

Two people are on opposite sides of the street. One spots the other. A large vehicle drives between them, and when it passes, the person on the other side has vanished into thin air.

A woman seen nude in bed with the hero in the opening scene will never be seen again.

No one finishes a meal in the movies. Meals are interrupted by important calls, the appearance of an ex-lover, or a trivial argument. No one eats more than two bites of a hot dog, cotton candy, popcorn. If dessert is served, it will end up in someone's lap or dumped on his or her head. Only exception: STARVING MAN SCENE, which shows famished character polishing off the last speck of food, then placing his knife and fork on the plate to form an "X".

The factor in modern probability theory which accounts for the tendency of movie slot machines to pay off when smashed into head-first by someone in a brawl. Can also be applied to actuarial systems involving jukeboxes which start playing appropriately ironic songs under similar conditions.

All sand castles in movies, especially those built by children, look as if they were constructed by a dedicated team of architects, designers and craftsmen, working for weeks.

No character who lacks parents may have friends or extended family. Holidays must be spent alone, preferably talking to a cat.

In "test pilot" films, the fatal crash of the experimental aircraft that occurs in the last reel is always on the aircraft's home field--and no more than 500 yards from the observation point where the pilot's girl friend is watching.

An ancient tradition. Any vehicular chase sequence must involve the upturning or smashing of a cart of fruit, such as one would find along a street or in a farmer's market. These crashes (which may occur in mid- chase, or as the grand finale) precipitate much strategic leaping by merchants, shoppers, and other pedestrians (played by stunt persons) who fling themselves out of harm's way in the nick of time.

Example: "All Bond movies include at least one Fruit Cart Scene, in which market stalls are overturned in a chase, and this one sets some kind of a record by having the carts destroyed by the blades of a helicopter that's chasing Bond and Wai Lin."

ALSO: Any fruit cart, plate-glass window, slow-moving camel, or other impediment not encountered by the first car in a chase must necessarily be encountered by the second one, usually to cheap comic effect. (First car narrowly misses two guys carrying plate-glass window. They breathe a sigh of relief. Then second car smashes it.)

Characters in movies always order "beer." As a bartender, I have observed that no one ever just orders "beer." They always call their beer. Movie characters frequently take a small sip and then leave without finishing their drinks, or paying for them (occasionally one character will throw some uncounted bills on the table). In real life, people suddenly called away from the bar take time to upend their glass and greedily suck down whatever is left.

Everyone in the movies who drives a car at night has a bright light somewhere on their dashboard that's aimed at their face. No wonder people drive so wildly in films.

Any female character who claims to abhor violence will, during the film's conclusion, shoot the bad guy who has the drop on her boyfriend/husband. After firing, she must hold the gun up in her trembling hand for two seconds or until her man takes it from her without so much as a "thank you." Named for Grace Kelly in "High Noon."

VARIATION: Bad guy corners victim and points his gun. A shot rings out. Bad guy smiles ironically, then slumps to the ground, dead. Audience and victim realize at same time that victim is still alive. Someone else shot the bad guy in the back. Who? Camera cuts to the unlikely shooter/hero, a nonviolent type who was not supposed to be at the scene and has never fired a gun before. He or she is still aiming the gun, in trembling outstretched hand.

In any scene where a father arrives at a sporting event to watch his son play, the game must be in progress and, just before the next play, the son must look up into the stands, see his father and share a wave. Nothing of importance ever happens in the game until the father arrives

When a hand grenade falls near a good guy, he is able to: a) pick it up before it detonates and throw it back to the issuing bad guy, or b) run and leap out of the path of exploding shrapnel, usually in slow-motion. But when a bad guy is on the receiving end of a grenade, all he can muster is a shocked expression before being blown to bits.

Whenever a long-lost or secret gravesite is discovered and exposed (the final scoops done by hand), the skull is always the first thing uncovered.

In all scenes involving 1960s peace demonstrations, the peace sign is rendered without the full vertical downward stroke, thus resembling instead the Mercedes-Benz logo, a much better-known icon in the movie business

In a movie set at a school, all the important characters take all the same classes with the same teacher at the same time, regardless of major or class year.

Whenever one or more police officers stop for a bite to eat, usually at a hot dog stand or greasy spoon diner, a crime is about to be committed. The officer never gets to take more than one bite of his sandwich before dropping it to pursue the suspect.

Movie characters who have an amazing ability to turn on the TV precisely at the moment when a newscaster begins a report on something directly relating to them

A cop shows he is tough, unaffected, or just plain ambivalent by grabbing a quick bite to eat and munching while examining the scene of a grisly murder.

Whenever the hero enters an unknown dangerous place, he spends so much time looking behind himself, lest he get jumped from the rear, that he ends up walking backward, and backs into the thing he's looking for.

This line is always followed by the chipmunk-like sound of a stone-age tape recorder rewinding. The tape inevitably rewinds to the exact spot required to give only the pertinent portion of the incriminating statement, no matter how long the villain talked.

A movie computer sufficiently advanced to allow real-time voice communication between itself and a human will nevertheless speak like a drunk who has just received a serious blow to the head.

Whenever a character in a movie gets a telephone call in the middle of the night, he or she inevitably always turns on the light next to the bed before answering the phone..

Anyone arriving in town without luggage- -for example, a western hero riding into town with only his saddlebags-- reappears immediately with a full change of clothes.

Every time a fight breaks out in a bar, the jukebox volume goes way up. At the end of the fight, it goes right back down! And the jukebox never plays a slow song during a brawl.

Whenever a character must visit someone in jail, the jailed character's cell is always the last one on the cell block, so the visitor must slowly pass by every other cell in terror.

Whenever the wreckage of a plane crash is shown, there is always a teddy bear or doll in the midst of the wreckage.

No matter how fast the would-be victim runs, the slasher can always keep up just by walking steadily.

In all films dealing with science, whenever a big glass tube is displayed, there is a small column of bubbles rising to the surface. These bubbles, which might indicate to a scientist that there was a small hole in the bottom of the tube, are employed to prove to the audience that the container holds fluid, and to add atmosphere.

All Italian-American cops have a childhood friend who's in the Mafia.

No movie character in need of a telephone number ever carries a notepad or pen and must, therefore, always rip a page out of the phone book. Inexplicable Corollary: No movie character in search of a telephone number ever encounters a phone book from which the necessary page has been ripped out.

In post-apocalyptic movies, the first working device from the past that people find always seems to be a music box. See "Waterworld," where when the good guys finally make it to land and find the old hut with stuff inside, the little girl opens up--a music box.

A good sprinter can run the 100 yard dash in 10 seconds. That's 20 miles an hour. Yet overweight, out-of-shape heroes can run down the center of the road when fleeing bad guys' cars, and the cars never catch them. That's because the cars are Locked In Low and can't do more than 10 miles an hour.

No matter how many trash cans, water hydrants, fruit carts or other cars get hit during a car chase or by a runaway auto, pedestrians are safe from harm.

Even in new movies, no one has voice mail. Everyone uses full-size, old- fashioned answering machines, so that if anyone calls and the recipient is not home, the audience gets to hear the message out loud

When a shaving actor is interrupted after just a few stroke, he wipes the lather off with a towel to reveal a close- shaved face.

When an unimportant stooge of the bad guy is shot, he will fall over and die immediately. But when the main villain is shot, he will remain standing, slowly looking down at the growing blood stain on his chest

Whenever a movie requires the use of military-style radio transmission (i.e., "Romeo Oscar Golf Echo Romeo" for "Roger"), if any numbers are being transmitted, one of them will always be "Niner," because it sounds so cool.

Whenever the leading male is hiding out or thrown out of his house by his wife and has to spend the night in a sleazy hotel, he always gets the room with the hotel's blinking neon sign right outside his window.

In any horror or suspense movie, if the family pet does not come after being called at least twice by the protagonist or a member of his family, it is dead.

Every adult woman getting out of bed in every movie will pick up a nightgown from the foot of the bed and put it on. Virtually no one can identify an instance of this happening in real life.

A family's vacation snapshots always include every family member, even if they were twenty miles from the nearest neighbor. Who took the picture, the family dog?

Movie alcoholics carry tiny pocket flasks holding only enough booze to make them crave more. Though the flask doesn't contain enough to satisfy himself, he always offers an offended sober person a drink

Doctrine that holds that in any movie set in the post-apocalyptic future only the most destructive products of society will survive i.e., guns, explosives, fast cars, nuclear devices, cigarettes. Common, plentiful and beneficial things (toasters, telephones, indoor plumbing) will have perished from the earth. Example: In "Waterworld," clumsy, impractical jet skis survived while millions of other boats, from dinghies to ocean liners, apparently did not.

Guilty characters listening to reports of their escape always angrily switch off the news in mid- report, instead of listening for valuable information.

In police headquarters, all calls are directly relevant to the case at hand. There is never a scene where the phone rings and the detective speaks, hangs up, and says, "That was Better Homes and Gardens magazine. They wanted to know if I wanted to renew my subscription."

In any movie that begins with lowering skies and ominous music, all dogs being taken on walks in the countryside discover dead bodies

Every time a room door features the numbers 6 or 9, the screw will be loose on the number, and it will eventually reveal itself to be 9 or 6. Recent examples: "Minority Report.

When the protagonist in a movie needs to get across the street in a hurry, he or she inevitably comes within an eyelash of getting hit by the obligatory car which screeches to a halt only two inches away. Once this phenomena has occurred, the hero has no more problems getting to the other side.

When movie heroes crash a high society party, they head straight for a beautiful lady, and are always able to trap two drinks from the tray of a passing waiter before reaching their lovely destinations.

When the musician hero starts dreaming up a piano concerto, the piano can somehow summon up a full orchestra to accompany itself within 25 seconds. Some singers can also do this.

If a computer is used early in a film, every subsequent computer will have exactly the same operating system, display typeface, and command structure, and will conform to any special hardware or software modifications or enhancements made to any computer prior to that point in the movie.

Device used in films (especially James Bond) with a numerical speed/radioactivity/etc. odometer/radioactimeter that inexplicably includes a range (always marked in red) at which the device must never be used or otherwise it will become unstable and explode/kill the user. Raises the question, why build the device with such lethal capacity at all? (See radioactivity pool in "Dr. No" or astronaut training chamber in "Moonraker.")

Whenever movie characters are shot with a gun with a silencer, they cooperate by dying quietly

When a character performs a handy skill that he or she wouldn't otherwise be expected to know (picking a lock, hot-wiring a car, speaking a foreign language), the unexpected knowledge is explained by a previous relationship, as in, "I used to date a locksmith" or "My uncle served time for heisting cars" or "My nanny spoke Swahili."

Movies almost never show people locking their cars, even in tough neighborhoods. Cars are only locked so that later they cannot be unlocked quickly in an emergency.

When a hero and heroine "meet cute" in a fight scene, she always emerges victorious. Later the same hero she defeated will defeat a villain she is no match for. See "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," "The Lion King."

After a passionate kiss, the male star never has lipstick smudged around his lips, no matter how bright or glossy the lips of the female. Exception: If it is a nerdy teenager who has been kissed by a beautiful older woman, he will always have lipstick smeared on his face. Also, his hair will be disheveled and his glasses askew.

When movie characters are fired or quit their jobs, they must walk out with all of their belongings stuffed into a single cardboard box, regardless of how long they've been working there. See Kevin Kline in "The Emperors Club" or Cuba Gooding Jr. in "The Fighting Temptations."

No matter how strange a space alien looks or how far away he comes from, he will always be a binaural, bipedal humanoid with two arms.

In action movies, the chase inevitably leads to the interior of a factory where showers of sparks fall to the floor, and great clouds of steam billow up from below. As nearly as the audience can determine, these are the factory's only products.

Although the helicopter is one of the loudest machines in existence, movie characters never hear a helicopter until they actually see it appearing in the window, rising over a bridge, etc.

When an airplane strafes humans on the ground, the targets invariably run away from the plane. Logic suggests they would have a better chance of not being hit if they ran toward it, since that would shorten the time they are in range. (See "Pearl Harbor," etc.)

Films that start with old home movies are never about happy lives.

If the plot requires that an injured or incapacitated character answers a phone, it will ring an infinite number of times until the character can crawl to the phone. The caller will not hang up and the answering machine will not pick up. If the plot requires only that the audience hears what the caller has to say, the answering machine will pick up after one ring.

Underwater action scenes, even in the dirty waters of major ports, are always crystal clear, pristine and well lit. Although characters are submerged longer than it would take me to get a popcorn refill, upon surfacing they start talking immediately.

Whenever a character is smoking a cigarette just before doing something important, he always flicks the cigarette aside just before setting forth. This is true especially before a car pursuit.

In any movie featuring a school dormitory, there is invariably a character talking on a pay phone in the hallway. Only in movies do students not have cell phones and dorm rooms do not have their own telephones.

When the female protagonist faces anger, a romantic crisis, an obstacle or depression, she inevitably takes a bath, surrounded by countless candles.

In bed scenes, the top sheet is invariably adjusted in an "L" shape, so that it covers only the man's groin area, yet extends above the woman's breasts.

Even though they have been sealed in airtight sarcophagi for millennia, all movie mummies are incredibly dusty.

Movies set at the present time continue to show characters asleep in front of TV sets with snow on the screen, although all channels now broadcast 24 hours a day.

Battles are noisy and crowded until the hero's best friend gets it, whereupon the enemy have the decency to move off to another part of the field so he can croak out his last lines in peace. See "The

Lord of the Rings," "The Last Samurai" and countless other war movies.

In a science fiction film where a person's memories can be viewed on a video screen, the memories will not be shown from the person's unique point of view, but rather from the objective point of view of the movie camera, as if the person was experiencing life as a third- person, out-of-body spectator (cf. John Woo's "Paycheck").

In movies, when paying for an item in a store, the customer always pays the clerk with no more than three bills. The clerk never offers change, even if the charge is $17.63. The whole transaction takes no more than five seconds.

Whenever characters in a movie catch a fish they have been after for at least 15 years, they always let it go because it has been a worthy opponent. Of course nobody believes them when they say they caught him.

The minute hand on a clock always clicks the moment the camera cuts to it.

When a character sees another off in a car, he will always tap the roof of the car. Do drivers need this signal? Has anyone ever done this?

The words "speak now, or forever hold your peace" are never used in movie wedding ceremonies unless someone is not going to hold his peace.

All women who work in bookstores are first seen poised on the rungs of ladders.

Even if a test aircraft plunges 50,000 feet before crashing, the hero pilot lives long enough for the ground crew to pull him free and lie him on the tarmac so he can say goodbye to the heroine. No heroine has yet had to bid tearful goodbye to a little pool of smoking grease.

A hospital visit in a movie will ALWAYS ends with a nurse informing the characters that visiting hours are over. If the nurse did not appear, the characters would not know when to end the scene and resume the movie.

Suicides always choose the ledge with the pigeon

In any comedy set in a rural or exotic locale, the hero will sample a native dish, find it delicious, and then be informed it was either an insect or was prepared from the genitalia or excrement of a native animal.

Whenever there is a chase scene in a crowd of people, the chasers have their hands on the quarry before realizing their captive is not the person they are looking for, but someone who sports the exact same outfit and haircut from the back. That is why it is important for heroes to always shop at popular retail outlets.

In many thrillers, the hero crashes his car or truck through the door or wall of a building at the precise time and place to allow him to rescue a victim or kill the bad guys. How can he see through the walls to know exactly where his car will emerge? Why doesn't he ever drive into a load-bearing beam?